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Author Topic: The Joke Thread  (Read 7912 times)

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The Poison

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The Joke Thread
« Reply #30 on: April 10, 2005, 10:44:56 AM »

Three Friends Die In a Horrible Accident, but since it wasn't there time God lets them go if they can complete 2 tasks. But if they fail, they go to Hell (What? God was pissed that day)

Task #1- Write your favorite fruit on a piece of paper

When they are done they must report to Saint Peter

Peter- Alright You whats your favorite fruit?

Man #1- Cherries

Peter Alright you must shove 100 cherries up your behind w/o laughing

Cherryman gets 10 in when he cracks, he then goes to hell

Man #2 says oranges are his fav, He gets to 3 before he cracks, they both meet at hell

Man #1-How you feel?

Man #2- Better than the other guy

Man #1- Why?

Man #2- His Favorite fruit is watermelon
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Neil

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The Joke Thread
« Reply #31 on: April 23, 2005, 11:08:08 AM »

Question: Why are pirates pirates?
Answer: Because they arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

:)
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Neil

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The Joke Thread
« Reply #32 on: April 23, 2005, 11:08:58 AM »

Question: Why didn't Christopher Robin have any friends?
Answer: Because he always played with pooh

:cool:
« Last Edit: April 23, 2005, 11:09:07 AM by Goldust »
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Sarah

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The Joke Thread
« Reply #33 on: April 23, 2005, 02:02:36 PM »

And I thought my jokes were corny! :uhoh:
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The Headliner

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The Joke Thread
« Reply #34 on: April 23, 2005, 02:13:23 PM »

Quote
Question: Why are pirates pirates?
Answer: Because they arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

:)
Oh dear... :shake: Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear...
« Last Edit: April 23, 2005, 02:14:21 PM by The Headliner »
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Lawman

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The Joke Thread
« Reply #35 on: April 23, 2005, 03:28:42 PM »

A man sees an ad in the paper "FOR SALE TALKING DOG"
so he rings the number and goes to the guys house
after a while of chatting to the guy he goes off to make tea and the dog comes in
"can you really talk?" he asks
"yeah i sure can" the dog replies
astounded the guy asks the dog how he learned
the dog replied "well when i was a pup i doscovered i could speak so i got in comtact with the cia and became thier top operative, i went all over the world listening in on secret conversations, who would suspect a dog of being a spy huh, but after a few years i wanted to settle down so i retired, and took a job in an airport sniffing drugs, i got me a bitch and raised some pups and here i am now!"

The guy is absolutly astounded at this and as the owner returns he immediatly says "i'll take him, how much?"
"ten quid" the owner replies

"why so cheap?" the guy asks

and the owner took a deep breath and said "because he's a stinking liar he didnt do any of that shit he said!


not much of a joke but it comes from my eleven year old cousin dylan (who says hi)
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Lawman

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The Joke Thread
« Reply #36 on: April 23, 2005, 03:38:25 PM »

YOU CAN CHANGE THE TEAM NAMES TO WHATEVER YOU WANT I'M CHOOSING MANCHESTER CITY VS MANCHESTER UNITED BECAUSE THEY ARE KNOWN RIVALS
ANY SPORT TEAM RIVALS WILL DO


A lifelong Manchester united fan is hit by a bus and dies
he appears in front of the pearly gates and immediatly notices St Peter is wearing a manchester city top

St Peter says "you cant come in, you're a united fan!

The man replies "but ive led a good life just today i gave ten quid to a homeless guy

St peter frowns and says " i'm still not convinced mate!"

The Guy then states "i gave ten quid last week to an orphanage!

St peter grimaces and says "still not convinced, youre a united fan!"

The guy says "but two weeks ago i gave ten pounds to a charity group

St peter looks at the guy, looks at his manchester united strip and says "okay i'll see god and see what he thinks"

St peter dissapears behind the pearly gates and leaves the guy standing there for about five minutes

after that time God and St Peter both come out wearing Manchester City tops and god says

"ive made my decision my son...here's your Thirty Quid now Fuck off!"


lawman
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The Poison

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« Reply #37 on: April 25, 2005, 07:37:09 PM »

Ha None American Money is funny
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Sarah

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« Reply #38 on: April 26, 2005, 02:05:09 PM »

What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with a sheep?

A wooly jumper! :ponder:
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Phenix

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« Reply #39 on: April 28, 2005, 09:29:14 AM »

A Newfie, a little man, was sitting at a bar in Toronto when this huge, burly American guy walks in. As he passes the Newfie, he hits him on the neck knocking him to the floor.

The big, burly Yank says,"That's a karate chop from Korea."

Well, the Newfie gets back on his barstool and resumes drinking his beer. The burly American then gets up to go to the bathroom and, as he walks by the Newfie, he hits him on the other side of the neck and knocks him to the f loor. "That's a judo chop from Japan", he says.

The Newfie decides he's had enough and leaves. A half hour later he comes back and sees the burly American bastard sitting at the bar. He walks up behind him and smacks him on the head, knocking him out.

The Newfie says to the bartender, "When he wakes up, eh, tell him that was a fuckin' crowbar from Canadian Tire."
 
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Lawman

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The Joke Thread
« Reply #40 on: April 30, 2005, 05:47:55 AM »

what do elephants use for tampons?....


sheep!


what do elephants use for vibrators?.......

Epilectics

(i'm sorry my cousin who is epilectic told me so no offence to any epilectics out there)
lawman
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Lawman

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The Joke Thread
« Reply #41 on: April 30, 2005, 05:55:47 AM »

A woman is expecting triplets and one day she is visiting the bank and there is a robbery
she takes three bullets to the abdomen, and promptly goes into labor
the robbers scarper and she gives birth to three healthy boys
after a visit to the hospital there is no trace of the bullets at all

Twelve years later the womans first born son comes running in
"mum mum ive just been to the toilet and a bullet came out!!"

so the woman explaines the story and the mystery of the missing bullets is finally solved

ten minutes later her second born son comes in
"mum mum ive just been to the toilet and a bullet came out!!"

so she explaines again and the missing bullets are re appearing one by one

then the womans third son came running in

"Mum mum" just then the woman stops him and says "let me guess you went to the toilet and a bullet came out?

to this her son replied
"no i was jacking off and i shot the dog!!

i'm going to hell lawman

(PS if telling you younger children i farted and shot the dog can also be funny)
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Raven Michaels

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The Joke Thread
« Reply #42 on: May 01, 2005, 04:44:01 PM »

Heady doesnt smell like a goat...

^Good joke eh?
« Last Edit: May 01, 2005, 05:21:11 PM by Raven Michaels »
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The Poison

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« Reply #43 on: July 28, 2005, 08:44:30 AM »

Quote
what do elephants use for tampons?....


sheep!


what do elephants use for vibrators?.......

Epilectics

(i'm sorry my cousin who is epilectic told me so no offence to any epilectics out there)
lawman
I haven't been to this thread in a while, and that vibrator joke owns
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Lawman

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« Reply #44 on: July 28, 2005, 09:37:36 AM »

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again

Q. How do you embarrass an archeologist?
A. Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

Q. What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
A. Spitting, swallowing and gargling

Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Two. The hard part is getting them in the light bulb.

 
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