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[Lawman]

Oxo have brought out a red and white cube to celebrate England's Euro 2008 campaign.

It's called the Laughing Stock
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A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend, "you won't believe what happened. I was taking a short cut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to it. I untied her, and then we had sex over and over again, all the positions, everything."

His friend replies, "That's great! Did you get a blow job?"

"No, I never found her head."
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Q: Why wasn't Christ born in Glasgow?

A: They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

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"What's Salman Rushdie's new book?"

"Buddah you fat cunt!"

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Why did Hitler commit suicide?

He got the gas bill.
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Knock, Knock
Who's there?
Gestapo.
Gestapo who?
VE ASK ZE KVESTIONS! *SLAP*
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Victoria Beckham has announced she had an affair with Michael Jackson.

Jacko has denied the allegations as he claims he was in Brooklyn at the time.
i actually feel bad about that one!

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What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?

One is famous for his moonwalk, the other is a dirty paedo!

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Whats the odd one out ??

A: Washing Machine
B: Toaster
C: Woman
D: Freezer

B Toaster - It's the only one that doesn't leak when it's fucked
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What has 6 legs and an arsehole in the middle of its back?

A Police horse.
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Glasgow Airport
Eight foreign doctors: three bombs, no deaths.
Harold Shipman: one doctor, one syringe; 300 dead.
Fuck it. Makes you proud to be British.

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A horse walks into a bar,
The barman asks, "Why the long face?"
To which the horse replies, "I've got AIDS."

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Man walks over to a lady in a bar. "What's your name" he asks

The lady replies "Carmen, because I like cars and men. What's yours?"

"Beercunt" he replies

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My old grandads motto in life was "What you can't see, won't hurt you."


He died of radiation poisoning.

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What two words will empty a Gent's Toilet?

"Nice Penis!"

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I have recently started to masturbate whilst fantasising about Jeanette Krankie. My problem is that I cannot work out whether I'm gay, straight or a paedophile.

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[Lawman]

Ever tried anal sex?

It's fucking shit!

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Why did the disabled boy fall out of his wheel-chair?

Because I lobbed a brick at the fucker.

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Why are ambulances better than women?

I've never had to wait for more than 45 minutes for an ambulance to come.
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What's black and white and goes to bed hungry?

Heath Ledger's cat.

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[The King of Kings]

What do you call a bus full of black people?

Coffee crisp.

[The Poison]

What do you call a bad joke?

(click to show/hide)

What do you call a bus full of black people?

Coffee crisp.

[Lawman]

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.

The librarian says; "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."
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Statistically... 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape

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How many of the Lost cast does it take to change a lightbulb?

1, but it will take 20 episodes.

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Jeruselum - 25AD - A woman is about to get stoned to death for adultery. Jesus steps forward and proclaims;

"Let he who is without sin, cast the first stone!"

Just then, a huge rock hits the woman on the head.

Jesus looks up and says; "Mum you're a real bitch sometimes!"


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Lady in labour, shouting the usual shit, "Get this out of me, give me the drugs" She turns to her boyfriend and says "You did this to me you fucker" He replies casually "If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse but you said fuck off it'll be too painful"

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I worked as a stand up comedian in a old peoples home once........

None of them understood my jokes but they still pissed themselves

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Two old women sitting in a cafe. Margaret says to Ethel, "Did you come on the bus?"

Ethel replies, "Yeah, but I made it look like an asthma attack".

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I staggered out of the pub and down the street, until I was stopped by a policeman.

He said, "Where do you think you're going in that state?"

I replied, "I'm going to a lecture."

He said, "Yeah, right. Who gives a lecture at this time of night?"

"My wife," I said.

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Why doesn't Viagra work on chavs?

Cos they only get hard when they've got ten mates behind them.

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If what happens in Las Vegas stays in Las Vegas, then why do i still have AIDS?

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[Kraul]

Why doesn't Viagra work on chavs?

Cos they only get hard when they've got ten mates behind them.

[gungrave17]

okay the series of jokes im putting are racist jokes, if you feel your offended please dont read this

(click to show/hide)

Top 10 reasons why there are no black NASCAR drivers......

10) YOU HAVE TO SIT UPRIGHT WHILE DRIVING.
09) THE PISTOL WON'T STAY UNDER FRONT SEAT.
08) ENGINES DROWN OUT THE RAP MUSIC.
07) THE PIT CREW CAN'T WORK ON THE CAR WHILE HOLDING UP PANTS AT THE SAME TIME.
06) THEY KEEP TRYING TO CARJACK DALE, JR.
05) POLICE CARS ON TRACK INTERFERE WITH RACE.
04) NO PASSENGER SEAT FOR THE HO.
03) THERE ARE NO SPONSORS FOR CADILLAC.
02) CAN'T WEAR HELMET SIDEWAYS.

AND THE NUMBER 1 REASON WHY BLACKS CAN'T BE IN NASCAR:

01) WHEN THEY CRASH THEIR CAR THEY BAIL OUT AND RUN.

What do you call a white guy surrounded by 3 black men? In trouble.
What do you call a white guy surrounded by 5 black men? Coach.
What do you call a white guy surrounded by 1000 black men. Prison Warden

How do you know if an asian robbed your house?
Your homework is done, your computer is upgraded, but two hours later the asian is still trying to back out of your driveway!

A mexican and a black man are riding in car . . who's driving?
A cop! 

Why is there no mexican olympic team?
All the mexicans who can run, jump or swim are in the U.S.!

[MaximumMitch69]

Womens Rights.

A boy is walking down the hallway. He sees his brother fall off his bed and yells son of a bitch, the boy asks what a bitch is. His brother says its when you fall out of bed. The boy keeps walking past the bathroom where his dad is shaving, then he scrapes himself and screams shit. The kid asks what that means and he says its what he calls shaving cream. He continues walking down stairs to the kitchen where his mother is carving a turkey, when all of a sudden she cuts her finger clean off and says what the fuck. The boy asks what that means and she says that means cutting. Then the boy hears a knock at the door, its his grandparents, they ask where the rest of the family is. The boy says well, my brothers in bed with a bitch, my dads in the bathroom scraping shit off of his face, and my moms in the kitchen fucking a turkey.

[The Headliner]

What's the difference between a burglar and the old lady he just punched in the mouth?

One's broke and entered, the other's broken dentured.

[The Headliner]

Unlike the last joke, this one isn't mine. You can tell because it's funny...

There is a road accident involving a load of wrestlers and they all are brought before St Peter to be judged if they are worthy of entering the kingdom of heaven. A line forms before him as one by one the wrestlers come before him.

Rob Van Dam is the first to be greeted.
"Rob Van Dam," begins St Pete, "confess your sins to me."
RVD replies "Well to be honest I had a hard time getting into the WWF as an ex EcW wrestler, but Vince McMahon promised me a job if I gave him a handjob... so I did."
St Peter ponders.
"Very wild child.." he points. "... Go and wash your hand in that font of holy water over there, and proceed through the gates into the kingdom of heaven."
RVD does so then disappears into the light.

Booker T is next.
"Booker, confess your sins to me." says Petey.
"Well sucka... as an ex WcW wrestler Vince didnt really want to give me a main event spot, but he promised if I kissed his cock just once, he would let me go over Rey Misterio."
St Peter shakes his head.
"You will be forgiven Booker. Splash a little holy water from the font on your lips, and you may enter."

Suddenly there is a commotion and St Peter is stunned to see Scott Steiner barging his way to the front.

"Scott Steiner! What is the meaning of this?"

Big Poppa replies :

"I want to gargle with that holy water before Triple H washes his ass in it."

[Lawman]

read ths one in Powerslam magazine

Whats the most dangerous weapon used against wrestlers?

Triple H's Sledgehammer? Cena's chains? Regals Knuckledusters?

No, Its Vince Russo's pen!

He'll die soon hopefully

[The Headliner]

He'll die soon hopefully

Bit harsh, no?

[Fan]

Did Jarrett and Carter not say that 90% of Russo's stuff gets turned down and hardly any of the remaining 10% ever makes it onto the air in TNA? Everybody just assumes the shit storylines come from him.

[Purple Marauder]

I think Dutch Mantell has more to do with it than Russo. But Russo is part of it too.

[Lawman]

Why do undertakers wear ties?
Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their appearance has a degree of gravitas.
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Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.
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Two men are sitting in a pub.
One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of strange men coming in and out of your wife's house.'
The other man replies: 'Yes, she has become a prostitute to subsidise her drug habit.'
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Where did Hitler keep his armies?
The brunt of his forces were applied to the Eastern front, but throughout different periods of the war, a sizable chunk were used to protect the Atlantic Wall and a handful of divisions were used in Africa, to secure shipping routes.
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What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza?
A Jew is a person adhering to the Jewish faith and a pizza is an oven-baked, flat, usually circular bread covered with tomato sauce and cheese with optional garnishes.
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A man walks into a bar.
He orders a couple of drinks, pays for them, and then proceeds to leave the premises, as his wife had told him that he must not be too late home.
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A man called a lawyer and asked, "How much will you charge me to answer three questions?"
The lawyer said "$400."
"Wow," said the man. "Isn't that a lot?"
"I guess so," said the lawyer. "When are you going to ask your questions?"
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A man walks into a bar.
He is an alcoholic whose illness is tearing apart his family and his career

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A duck walks into a bar.
The RSPCA is promptly called, and the duck is then taken to a nearby park and released.

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Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?
Her repeated absences had resulted in disciplinary warnings of increasing severity and then it was discovered she had been stealing.

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This morning I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend.
She called from 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around.

We started chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together as well as the Filthy animal mad rampant sex we used to have.
I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that 'old magic.' I was flabbergasted.

I said, 'I don't know if I could keep pace with you now.
I'm a bit older and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me.
Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have.'

She just giggled and said she was sure I would 'rise to the occasion.'

'Yeah,' I said. 'Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my lack of muscle tone, stomach sagging, teeth not as white and jowls like a Great Dane
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me, saying that tubby, grey-haired, older men were cute. And she said she was sure I would still be a great lover.



Then she giggled, 'I've put on quite a bit of weight myself!'



So I told her to fuck off.