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[Lawman]

whats blue and fucks old ladies?

Me in my big blue trenchcoat!

Careful Lawman, you know she's got a gun.

He he! Killer Burn heady!

[Blue Lightening]

Ms Brooks was having trouble with one of her first-grade pupils.

"Johnny, what is your problem?"

Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first Grade. My sister is in third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"
 

Ms Brooks had had enough, so she took Johnny to the principal's office.

The principal agreed that he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.

He started by asking Johnny some simple arithmetic.

"What is three times three?"

"Nine, Sir."

"How much is nine times six?"

"Fifty-four."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looked at Ms Brooks and said, "I think Johnny can go to third grade! He seems smart enough."

Ms Brooks said to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"

The principal and Johnny both agreed.

Ms Brooks asked, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"






Johnny, after a moment, answered "Legs, Ma'am"


"What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"








"Pockets!"


"OK, what does a dog do that a man steps into?"





"Pants."


"What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?"








"Coconut. !"

"What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnny was taking charge.








"Bubblegum!"

"What does a man do standing up, a woman does! sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"









"Shake hands, Ma'am."


"Now for some "Who am I" sort of questions, OK? First one. You stick your poles inside me, you tie me down to get me up, and I get wet before you do."








Johnny, quick as ever, answered, "Tent!"

"OK, a finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first."

The Principal was looking restless and a bit tense.








But Johnny was on the ball with "Wedding Ring!"


"I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good."





"Nose."


"Right, I have a stiff shaft, my tip penetrates, and I come with a quiver."














"Arrow."


"Good, now for the last one. What word starts with an 'F', ends in K', and means a lot of heat and excitement?"












"Fire truck, Ma'am!"

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, "Send him to university!!!!, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"

[The Headliner]

Q: Why do baboons have red testicles?

(click to show/hide)

A: So they can hide up trees disguised as cherries.

Q: What's the loudest noise in the wild?

(click to show/hide)

A: Giraffes eating cherries.

[Purple Marauder]

A man walks into a doctors office
The doctor says "What can I do for you?"
The duck replies "Can you get this guy off my ass?"

.

You left out half of the joke. 

A man walks into a doctors office with a duck on his head....

[Lawman]

A guy is staying with his gran for the weekend

he says "gran have you seen my pills? they have the letters L S and D on the side"

His Gran replies Fuck your pills have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?"

------------------------------------

All Drugs have a generic name.
Tylenol is Acetaminophen
Advil is Ibuprofen
Penicillin is Amoxycillin And so on...

What's the generic name for Viagra?
Mycoxafailin

----------------------------------

Does anyone know the Official name for the Female to male sex change operation?
its called a Strapadiktome

------------------------------------
A guy walks into church and goes into the confession booth
He says "father last saturday night i went out to a club and ended up pulling this beautiful model, we went back to her place and ended up doing it Sixty different ways, we were having Rampant animal sex for three solid days, after that i went home and slept for a few hours, She called me up later and said her five model friends were coming over and having a dick sucking competition and i was to be the judge, and we ended up having a ridiculous animal sweaty orgy and i was the only guy!
The priest said: "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"
the man puzzled answered " Never Father, I'm Jewish."
the priest paused and said "So then, why are you telling me?"
the guy laughed and said "Shit man i'm telling fucking everybody!!"

[The Headliner]

Copied and pasted...

So this man walks into a bar, orders a beer and sits in the corner. Taking a look around, he is shocked to notice a man with an orange where his head should be, sitting in the corner. Feeling as though it'd be rude to stare, the man returns to his drink, but after a while curiosity gets the better of him, and he strolls over.

"Excuse me mate? Sorry to bother you, but I couldn't help but notice that... Well, you've got an orange for a head. Seriously, is it real or what?"

The orange headed gent speaks, though there are no human features on his soulless orange face.

"Well son, I'm glad you asked. Now there's quite a story behind that, let me buy you a drink and I'll tell you all about it!"

The man thanks him, and pulls up a chair across the table.

"Now then, my story begins far away in the deserts of Egypt... I was exploring a tomb when I found this lamp. Naturally, I rubbed it and a fucking genie popped out! So he tells me in this booming voice that he'll grant me three wishes, and I'm feeling like the luckiest guy on earth. So I say 'For my first wish, I want to live forever!'"

The man says, "Oh that's a good one, so you'll have all the time you need, see historical events, yeah that's the kind of thing anyone'd wish for!"

The orange man nods in his creepy orange way, and continues, "So for my second wish, I said to the genie 'I want all the money in the world!'"

The man grins, "Oh yeah, who wouldn't have wished for that? So Christ, you'll live forever, and be the richest man in history, that's really something."

The orange man nods and slowly sips his drink through a straw. Some time passes, and the man, not wanting to seem rude, but also eager to hear the rest of the story, says, "Here, you never told me what your third wish was."

"Well yeah, for my third wish I asked to have an orange for a head!"

[Kraul]

  Is that an anti-joke or is it just your kooky British sense of humor?

[The Headliner]

I think a little from column A, a little from column B.

[~Prince Hero~]

Why did a fool cut the sides of the capsule before taking it? Guess
what


---To avoid side effect!!!

[The Headliner]

The Wellness Policy

[Kraul]

The Wellness Policy

   

Biggest. Joke. Ever.

[Lawman]

Wee jack is at home when he hears a strage noise from his mums bedroom, so he goes and opens the door to see his mums boyfriend Jimmy giving her one, jimmy turns laughs and lobs a pillow at jack telling him to get lost.
a few days later jimmy is visiting and hears a strange noise from jack's room, he cracks open the door and is horrified to see jack shagging jimmy's elderly mother, suddenly jack turns and says "not so fucking funny when its your mum is it?"

-------------------------------

A man goes to a bar with his dog.
He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink.
The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!"
 The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog."
"Oh man,” the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.
Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua.
The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog."
The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink.
The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"
The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chiwauas as seeing-eye dogs."
The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"

------------------------------------------------

Two guys and a security guard were standing on the roof of their office building drinking a few beers on their break and the first guy says, "Did you know that if you jump off this building, after you get down so far, a draft will pull you back inside the building on the third floor?"

"Get outta here," says the second guy.
"No I'm serious, watch me." the first guy replies
the guy then hopped off the building and sure enough, he was taken in by the draft at the third floor window. He took the elevator back to the top and the second guy was standing in awe, the security guard sat smiling at the entertainment
"I can't believe it." the second guy said.
the first guys smiled and says "its surprisingly fun, you should try it"
So the guy finished his can of beer and hopped off and plunged into the ground.
where he passes the third floor and crashes into the pavement killing himself instanty
the security guard laughed and said "Superman you can be a complete arsehole when you're drunk!"

----------------------------------------------------

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a carrier bag?
One is made of plastic and is a potential risk to children. The other carries your shopping.

[Kraul]

Two guys and a security guard were standing on the roof of their office building drinking a few beers on their break and the first guy says, "Did you know that if you jump off this building, after you get down so far, a draft will pull you back inside the building on the third floor?"

"Get outta here," says the second guy.
"No I'm serious, watch me." the first guy replies
the guy then hopped off the building and sure enough, he was taken in by the draft at the third floor window. He took the elevator back to the top and the second guy was standing in awe, the security guard sat smiling at the entertainment
"I can't believe it." the second guy said.
the first guys smiled and says "its surprisingly fun, you should try it"
So the guy finished his can of beer and hopped off and plunged into the ground.
where he passes the third floor and crashes into the pavement killing himself instanty
the security guard laughed and said "Superman you can be a complete arsehole when you're drunk!"

I like that one.

[Lawman]

I'm going to hell anyway so....


Whats worse than letting your kids stay with michael jackson?

(click to show/hide)

letting the McCanns take them on holiday

[~Prince Hero~]

2 sardars(men) new in amerca walk up to a hot dog stall and ask for 2 hotdogs when they recieve the hotdogs....Banta(the first man) opens his hotdog and asks the other...which part of the dog have you got?